It's been two weeks without a to-do list of any kind (okay fine - of the written variety). You have to understand my lists are a natural extension of my left hand. I feel naked without them. I'm not a big ring wearer* (why call attention to funny fingers, right?), but I'd imagine it would be similiar to how you'd feel after taking off a ring that had occupied previously undisturbed real estate on your index finger for years.
|*I'd make an exception for any ring Diana Heimann |
creates for The Left Bank Gallery
I'm so jealous of my friends who have landed (paid or unpaid) internships and are beginning to feel their way through training and friendship making. I'm even envious of my friends who are returning to barely above minimum wage jobs that they held throughout high school. I'm resentful of anyone with a Monday through Friday, 9am to 5pm, purpose.
I miss the structure and brief stints of well-deserved vacation that come inherently with the onset of the school year and then by working summers. Even worse, I'm appalled by how quickly the days fill up with no obligations. By the time I've written the day's blog, worked out, and showered, it's lunchtime. Once I've run through a handful of errands around town, thrown in a load of laundry, and indulged my inner neatfreak, it's time to think about making a dinner like this one (and of course bedtime rolls around shortly after that).
It's a daily scramble to come up with things to do - anything to do besides relax. Sitting on the couch, even for 15 minutes, makes me feel lazy. After 30 minutes, I feel positively stir-crazy. I used to be able to read for hours at a time and blast through a dozen books a week - now I can hardly sit still for long enough to finish a chapter. I'm completely at loose ends...until a little voice whispers happily: but now you can stress about the blog!
In the absence of "real" things to worry about, I find myself stressing about everything I can possibly dress up with a little bit of panic and tie off with knot of apprenhension. Here's an exerpt from the crazy closed feedback loop that is my brain:
How am I going to keep up with the blog while I'm in Connecticut visiting the-boy-with-the-most-patience-in-the-world?
What am I going to eat while I'm there?
Which workouts am I going to do?
Should I take my normally planned off day this week or would it be smarter to put it off so I can "rest" while I'm there?
How am I ever going to figure out my new camera?
When am I going to return my library books?
How can I be spending this much money with no income coming in?
Why can't I sleep past 6am?
Why am I bone-tired by nightfall after days that are virtually filled with nothing important?
I wish that voice had an on/off switch. People keep telling me there is pleasure to be found in just being, not doing, but so far...no such luck. Maybe I need to read Eat, Pray, Love again.
"Some days are meant to be counted, others are meant to be weighed." -Elizabeth Gilbert