Resistance Training

I just wanted to let you know that despite my progress in attacking my reluctance to relax (I spent an entire afternoon doing nothing but reading in the sun yesterday and it was sinfully good great), traces of my Type A tendencies are still alive and well.

I still feel the need to accomplish things ("strong acheivement-orientation" - check!). I'm still competitive (Brother #3 ran and lifted yesterday so I felt compelled to do a double workout too) and I still berate myself when I take it easy. I still find myself creating deadlines (nevermind that I don't have any papers due - I must find the perfect pair of earrings for the wedding ASAP and I must look up things to see in Acadia National Park before we leave on Tuesday). I still feel myself hurrying - to the bank, to the grocery store, and to the library. And yes, I still catch myself getting three, four, and five blogs ahead.

Mom's New To-Do List - I Want One Too!

The niggling little voice in the back of my head seizes any hint of anxiety and happily adds fuel to the fire: What if you like being lazy? What if you never feel driven ever again? It's this voice that drives me to exercise like a madwoman, often for weeks at a time. Every workout must be a maximum-effort endeavor. If I'm not ready to keel over by the end of a run or a lift, I feel like a slacker. Immediately the workout slides into the "bad" column.

Now that I'm not working, it seems especially important to maintain a rigid control over my diet and exercise. Running myself into the ground seems to give me a sense of the suffering and punishment that I crave. To an extent, it allows me to feel like I deserve an hour on a towel in the sun and a handful of chocolate chips* in my yogurt at night.

*When did this become "dessert"? I miss homemade cookies, slabs of dark chocolate, and scoops of ice cream...

I really struggle on "off" days - days with no workout at all. I delay taking them for as long as possible - until the quality of my workouts has noticeably declined. I've been on a self-induced crash course to injury for over six months because I'm scared of taking time off. When I do rest, I feel terribly guilty for not being active. I feel like I haven't earned the right to add a slice of cheese to my sandwich or to have a snack at 3pm. And this is when the restrictive and borderline disordered eating flares up.

Keeping my expectations reasonable as far as exercising goes and not depriving myself food-wise is obviously an every day wrestling match. To keep myself in check, I read as much as I can about other people that are grappling with similiar demons and I gather as much knowledge as I can from people that aren't blinded by the perfectionism bug.

I stumbled upon a great article on Runner's World about "why you have to back off in order to push hard." It's an informative yet approachable piece that explains the science behind rest and recovery much better than I could - and it'll help me leave my running shoes on the shelf and my watch on its hook in my closet at least once a week from here on out.

Amanda over at Running with Spoons also recently published a refreshingly honest post (with bits of humor throughout) that addresses a novel idea: we must learn to listen and trust our bodies. Well, perhaps I have heard that one before...from Brother #2, quoting Dr. George Sheehan:

"Listen to your body. Do not be a blind and deaf tenant."

Do you struggle with guilt on the days you don't exercise? Do you find yourself eating differently on those days?

The Art of Relaxation

...escapes me.

It's been two weeks without a to-do list of any kind (okay fine - of the written variety). You have to understand my lists are a natural extension of my left hand. I feel naked without them. I'm not a big ring wearer* (why call attention to funny fingers, right?), but I'd imagine it would be similiar to how you'd feel after taking off a ring that had occupied previously undisturbed real estate on your index finger for years.

*I'd make an exception for any ring Diana Heimann
creates for The Left Bank Gallery

I'm so jealous of my friends who have landed (paid or unpaid) internships and are beginning to feel their way through training and friendship making. I'm even envious of my friends who are returning to barely above minimum wage jobs that they held throughout high school. I'm resentful of anyone with a Monday through Friday, 9am to 5pm, purpose.

Ah...happiness

I miss the structure and brief stints of well-deserved vacation that come inherently with the onset of the school year and then by working summers. Even worse, I'm appalled by how quickly the days fill up with no obligations. By the time I've written the day's blog, worked out, and showered, it's lunchtime. Once I've run through a handful of errands around town, thrown in a load of laundry, and indulged my inner neatfreak, it's time to think about making a dinner like this one (and of course bedtime rolls around shortly after that).

It's a daily scramble to come up with things to do - anything to do besides relax. Sitting on the couch, even for 15 minutes, makes me feel lazy. After 30 minutes, I feel positively stir-crazy. I used to be able to read for hours at a time and blast through a dozen books a week - now I can hardly sit still for long enough to finish a chapter. I'm completely at loose ends...until a little voice whispers happily: but now you can stress about the blog!

In the absence of "real" things to worry about, I find myself stressing about everything I can possibly dress up with a little bit of panic and tie off with knot of apprenhension. Here's an exerpt from the crazy closed feedback loop that is my brain: 

How am I going to keep up with the blog while I'm in Connecticut visiting the-boy-with-the-most-patience-in-the-world? 
What am I going to eat while I'm there?
Which workouts am I going to do?
Should I take my normally planned off day this week or would it be smarter to put it off so I can "rest" while I'm there?
How am I ever going to figure out my new camera?
When am I going to return my library books? 
How can I be spending this much money with no income coming in?
Why can't I sleep past 6am?
Why am I bone-tired by nightfall after days that are virtually filled with nothing important?

I wish that voice had an on/off switch. People keep telling me there is pleasure to be found in just being, not doing, but so far...no such luck. Maybe I need to read Eat, Pray, Love again.

"Some days are meant to be counted, others are meant to be weighed." -Elizabeth Gilbert